Every time I get on Pinterest, or any social media, I am bombarded by the many things that people claim to "love".  Starbucks.  Fall.  Puppies.  Sleeping (lol).  Coffee dates.  And I'm white girl enough to admit that I love all of those things too (except S-bux. sorry guys).

but I also love to think outside the box, and I like to make lists too, and so I decided to make a list of the things that me {chloe marie salts} specifically loves.

• chocolate covered raspberries (but only the brookside brand)
• beau Taplin poetry
• water (I know, I know)
• orange citrus-y scents 
• terrible, cheesy, hilarious PUNS 
• iced vanilla lattes from bluestem
• hot vanilla lattes from radinas
• lists (obviously)
• anticipating things to come
• footloose (the Kevin Bacon version, duh)
• jess from Gilmore Girls
• lasagna (but no ricotta cheese!!)
• maroon
• dancing in the bathroom in front of the full length mirror
• sybil and the chauffeur (DOWNTON ABBEY EVERYTHING REALLY)
• succulents 
• smoothies 
• tori kelley (her voice is everything)
• journaling with no agenda 
• electronic-dance music genre 

I don't think there was one single, distinct moment where I could feel everything around me pause as I realized that this was the place for me.

No, nothing quite that dramatic.  It was more of a blanket sense of peace and purpose, coupled with the gradual sensation that I could someday call this campus my home away from home.

Just this past weekend I drove to Kansas City to compete in a scholarship challenge at Midamerica Nazerene University.  Those 48 hours were a whirlwind, full of tours, interviews, new faces, and collapsing into bed completely exhausted.  Although I knew I would still attend MNU in the fall regardless of the outcome of the weekend, it still felt like a test of sorts.

If this weekend didn't go well, how would that reflect on the next four years I was soon to spend there?  

God is a cool God, really-truly-completely.  As I drove home and reflected on everything that had happened, I realized that I could. not. wait. to come back.

Once I realized that, I started noticing things.  I noticed how easily I could pick up conversation with people there.  I noticed how natural it felt to share a room with a roommate and juggle who was using the bathroom when.  I noticed that the more the day progressed, the more comfortable I felt.



Gone were the fears of who was doing what and the invisible expectations looming over me. 

Instead, I imagined myself in just seven months' time walking across campus, my bright Northface backpack slung across my back, a coffee thermos in my hand, and people milling around me, yelling "hello!!".  and I'll get to be the one who yells it back to them.

I have found that we are creatures of habit, who cringe away from change.

But we are also creations of God who, through his power, can embrace every change.

Why?

because each time we grow a little stronger.  A little more confident.  

Personally, every time I don't have a plan, I can feel my stress levels rise and my heart squeeze tight.  Yet God speaks through the fear and reminds me that He's got it.  He's in charge, and He can't wait to show me Himself in these baby steps outside of my comfort bubble.

As I look back over my year of slinging donuts at my first "big girl" job, I have to think fondly about those 7 a.m. shifts where I about died and wanted to murder at least twenty people.  Those purple frosted donuts were so ugly when I first started, too.  Why people let me decorate them and never said a word I will never know.

Some days are just eat-a-spoonful-of-icing kinda days.  I don't think there's any other way to describe them, although there seem to be a lot of negative words we use to classify how our days are goin.  Long.  Boring.  Exhausting.  Awful.  Crappy.  Cloudy.  SO MUCH TIRED I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE MY MISERABLE DAY.  #lazyday #yuckkk

We gripe, we moan, we complain, we sit through classes and go to work and get up early to curl our hair so we can look like we've got life figured out, like we're in control of SOMETHING.

One look at the 3/4ths of the way devoured icing container, however, and I think we start to realize that we're really just a bunch of bluffers.  Don't get me wrong; I'm all for icing being part of my daily diet just as much as the next girl!  But what do we hope to find at the bottom of that container?  Fulfillment?  Peace from our stressful days?  A full stomach at least? 

Maybe we think it'll help us forget that our day really didn't go well.  Maybe we can ignore the things that are REALLY important.  I like that small flare of rebellion I get when I use the carton instead of a bowl as my weapon of choice.  Don't you feel like a TV character when you do? 


We were born in a state of enmity between us and God, but hallelujah for the cross!  We don't ever have to be like again!  And yet sometimes I still put that distance between Him and I.  I do it for so many reasons.  I'm worried He'll convict me on something I don't want to hear, or that I won't have enough time to really spend with Him (and where am I getting this standard for "the right amount of time", anyways?). 

Jesus is so patient with me, and I don't know why.  It's a mystery that I'll spend the rest of my years on this earth trying to figure out. 


Wednesday night, 9:37 p.m.

When I'm all in a funk and I know I've sinned and the Holy Spirit is prompting and pushing me like crazy- I need to be with You.

Two minutes have passed now.
*blink*

I'm still with you.  You're still here, in my room, with me.  Doing what, I don't know.  Listening?  Waiting? Thinking?  All of the above, maybe?  You already know how I messed up today, but I need to tell you anyways.  Today had many precious opportunities with you that I ignored and was too self-focused to see.  I get so caught up in doing and going and checkmarks and lists, looking like I have it all together and loving that feeling of being in control.

It's exhausting.

Jesus, I can't seem to see any progress in this race.  I know I'm running, but today it feels like it turned into a valiant effort to crawl.....


I wonder if you ever feel like you're crawling? Because sista, I can so relate.  And as my sweet friend reminded me this morning, Jesus is both the coach telling us to keep going and the one right beside us, running (or walking. or crawling.) this race with us. 

"...and from Jesus' fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:16-17

And this same grace and truth is coming to us ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  No matter how long your day is, Monday or Thursday or Sunday, no matter how many scoops of icing you eat or tears you cry, God's love for you and His steadfast character don't change. 

He ain't leaving, honey.  Dry those tears and chin up!!  The earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord.  Step outside and take some for yourself, and then give it all away along with some nice frosted cupcakes.

-Chloe

A rich hazelnut scent wafts through the shop.  Crystal sugar covers tiny golden-orange muffins, tempting even the healthiest of health gurus.  Ceramic mugs clink.  The occasional whirring of a coffee bean grinder is heard. 

Coffee shops+this addict=true bliss.  Folded in with the white clouds of whipped cream are even sweeter memories. I've stopped many times just to breath deeply, mimicking little Charlie Bucket as he stood in front of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  Except obviously my sniffing is more subtle.  Subtle sniffing is a thing, derp.  Trust me on this one.

Just recently, a good friend of mine entered his first serious dating relationship.  You know it's going to be good when he makes her a paper chain of things they'll do together, all leading up to him asking her to go ice skating with him on their first date! 

I was asking him all sorts of questions about how it came about (surprised?) and somehow we got to talking about his timing in planning the whole weekend.  It turns out that he was perfectly chill to take his time asking her out, so much so that she went off to college without him saying a word!  But he was waiting patiently on God's direction, and after talking with her, apparently she was as well.  "Yah, that (waiting) was pretty hard for her," He said.  "But she handled it well.  One of the things I hear her say about lots of things is "God will give me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it"."

Something (everything!) about this beginning relationship, one that grew from years of being high school friends, gives me hope.  Buckets of warm, happy, HOPE.  It makes me excited for future happy times with someone of my own, and reminds me that holding out for a cool Christian guy is not some ridiculous expectation! 

But for right now, that cool Christian guy of my own is probably off feeding the orphans in Zimbabwe or digging wells in a slum in India.  You go, baby!  So here I am in little Manhattan, trying to complete high school and drinking my eggnog lattes and loving them and not really loving all the lessons God is teaching me in singleness. All seem to be lessons in patience that I sorely lack, but that's beside the point!  COUGH.

I'm truly so very excited to find that hilarious, thoughtful, sexy man who will cuddle under big blankets with me and put up with my notebook-collecting fetish and even my peculiar disdain for the corn casserole at Thanksgiving dinner that I still try every time, hoping my tastes have changed.  They never do.

It's easy to wish God would hurry up with the lessons and bring along the reward!  But you know....  There's a lot of life left to live with my special guy.  High school+college are only a few years in the grand scheme of things!  A couple years of dating maybe and many moments of awkward definitely.  And I'm okay with that!  I'm okay to wait it out, figure things out as I go, and call my mom a lot. She's going to regret getting me a phone by the end of my school years :)

There is still hurt from boys who seem to enjoy playing with my emotions and then leaving me high and dry.  There is still confusion, because I thought they liked me!  So why did they stop texting out of the blue?  Did I do something wrong?  It stings so much of rejection, disappointment, and failure. 

But God is the very best at turning my deepest longings and desires into beauty.  Because He never changes, I am going to cling to his promise of being my comfort and my joy. 

Can I wait a few years and be okay with not having a bae right now?  You bet I can.  Just watch me!

Because, after all, God will give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it.